Poking fun at lawyers is pretty easy. They have a stereotype for
being scummy dirt bags who will step on others and bend the law to get
what they want. These stereotypes may not be true for most lawyers, but
they definitely make for some funny jokes! Almost everyone has at least
one good lawyer joke handy in case the need to tell it presents itself.
But you could always use some more! Here are eight of the funniest
lawyer jokes ever told, just in case you come across the need for one of
them.
Many lawyer jokes involve the question then answer format. Here are some of my favorites. Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? A: Lipstick. Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside. Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer? A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
There are also quite a few lawyer jokes that are told in the form of stories. Some of my favorites follow. A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody anytime, anywhere, any place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man. Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. "The first hearse carries my ex-wife's lawyer," the man explained. "My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate." The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked, "Could I borrow your dog?" "Okay by me, but you're going to have to wait your turn like these other people."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Many lawyer jokes involve the question then answer format. Here are some of my favorites. Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? A: Lipstick. Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside. Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer? A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
There are also quite a few lawyer jokes that are told in the form of stories. Some of my favorites follow. A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody anytime, anywhere, any place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man. Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. "The first hearse carries my ex-wife's lawyer," the man explained. "My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate." The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked, "Could I borrow your dog?" "Okay by me, but you're going to have to wait your turn like these other people."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
